feels like we only go backwards
by kinselllas
Summary: two years after his divorce to blair waldorf, dan is finally moving on
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **So this is very different from any story I've written and I think it will be interesting to experiment with. It's a lot of angst and not much else, so if you're expecting a lot of romance and fluff I WOULD NOT RECOMMEND. It's very different from how I normally write DB, but it was kinda fun to write so I may continue. Canon until 3x18 or somewhere around there. If you give it a chance, more power to you. But I understand it's not going to be everyone's taste.

I'll be happy to answer any questions people have!

Also I don't have a beta so I apologize for the mistakes.

**Two years after his divorce to Blair Waldorf, best-selling author Daniel Humphrey seen holding hands with young screenplay writer, Risa Rogers. A romance between the two has been rumored for weeks, but no real evidence had surfaced until recently. "He's my best friend. I love spending time with him and truly admire him as an artist" Rogers said in an interview with **_**Entertainment Weekly. **_**But isn't that how all the best love stories start?**

Dan stood at the W party with his date and tried to ignore the whispers of people around him. He had never been able to escape the gossip and rumors that followed him around in high school. After his first book was published his second year of college, publicity followed him as closely as success.

It wasn't that he wanted to hide his relationship with Risa. She had tan skin, green eyes, and a sleek caramel blonde bob. She always laughed at all of his jokes, which he hadn't decided was good or bad yet. She was adorable and carefree, and most of all she never made him feel absolutely miserable. It was never a matter of wanting to hide her.

"Humphrey,"

Her voice caused Dan to flinch and his hand dropped from Risa's back. In that moment, he remembered why he never made their relationship public.

"Waldorf."

"Is this your new assistant?" The saccharine tone in her voice made him nauseas.

"This is my girlfriend, Risa Rogers. Risa, this is my ex-wife-"

"Blair Waldorf," Blair extended her hand immediately and Risa hesitantly took it.

He could see a fear resting in Risa's eyes, because she'd heard the stories- of their relationship, their marriage, and of course, their divorce. "You didn't answer my question."

"No, Blair," he sighed with annoyance, "She's not my assistant."

Sometimes Dan tried to place the moment he fell out of love with Blair. He was often left disappointed when he couldn't find it. As she challenged him with her glare, he kept his jaw tight, but couldn't resist the smile that found its way to his eyes.

So maybe he never fell out of love with her. But somewhere along the way, things changed. They started putting work before each other constantly, to the point where she would throw a bottle against the wall just to get his attention.

They forgot how to make love, simply and sweetly. They'd fuck in the bathroom at a party or on the tile floor of their kitchen and when she'd come she'd moan "I love you," and he'd be sent over the edge. This was typically the result of a fight only minutes earlier.

Many say they shouldn't have gotten married so young, because what do twenty two year olds know about forever?

Blair moved back to the penthouse and Dan kept the apartment. He would've been happy to hand it all over to her, but Blair didn't want it. Neither of them wanted to be reminded of the memories they shared there- good or bad.

One could assume the only thing that kept them in contact was their two year old daughter, Ella. She was their pride and joy and sometimes they regretted the fact that they couldn't share her together, but Dan truly believed the divorce was what was best for all of them.

Two years. It took him two whole years to recover from their divorce. Every woman he met was some lesser variation of Blair who couldn't hold his interest for more than a couple hours. Risa was different. When a production company wanted to buy the rights to his book for a movie, they sent her stumbling into his office as an attempt to persuade him. She was invested in the story, he could tell by the way she described his scenes to him. Her vision matched his. When it didn't, she'd bicker with him until he saw her side.

They struck up an immediate friendship, and after a few months of working together, Risa confessed that she was attracted to him. Dan had laughed, because he thought they were both entirely aware of the connection they shared. She told him romantic feelings had surfaced, but Dan wasn't there yet. It wasn't until a particularly vocal altercation with Blair that he made a move.

Risa had offered to take him out for drinks because he seemed down and after the first three he threw caution to the wind and crashed his lips into hers. He had only moved further on since.

"I've heard a lot about you," Risa grinned and Dan was pleased that her confidence had seemed to return.

Blair rolled her eyes and glanced at Dan again. "All bad, I'm sure."

Staring back at her, Dan realized that Blair wanted Risa to agree. She wanted to know that Dan had been venting about her or sharing stories about fights they had. She wanted him to be thinking about her when they weren't together.

"Where's Ella tonight?" Blair asked, her red silk gown catching the light of the chandelier.

"With her grandparents," Dan cleared his throat and placed a hand on Risa's arm, "Now if you'll excuse us, I could use a drink."

They stood at the bar waiting for their drinks and Dan looked out at the party around him. Blair really did have a talent for planning these UES events. Everything was always elegant and classy with a touch of flair for the occasion. He felt a deep sense of pride as he watched her stroll through the ballroom to mingle with guests.

"She's beautiful," Risa said, interrupting his thoughts.

"Yeah," he let out a sigh, "She is."

"Are you okay?"

"Thank you for coming with me tonight," Dan ignored her question and continued. "I know it's overwhelming and Blair probably won't make that any easier, but I like having you here. With me."

Risa nodded and smiled, "You've accomplished so much at a young age. I'm glad I get to be by your side when you celebrate it."

Dan could remember when Blair used to be by his side to celebrate his success. Often times, she was celebrating her own. When his first book was released, Blair used it as motivation to pursue her own career goals. She took a job as assistant to the editor at W. After a year or so of proving herself, they installed her as a permanent fashion columnist. However, the more Dan's success took off, the more Blair felt like she had go further. The year before they divorced, Blair became W's official event coordinator.

Sometimes it felt like she was constantly trying to out do him, when Dan only wanted the best for her. He wished she would've focused more on their marriage than trying to make her name better known than his.

"I'm glad too," he grinned as a slow song began echoing throughout the ballroom. "Would you like to dance?"

Dan pulled Risa into his arms and his breath hitched when her fingers curled over his jaw. It didn't help that he could feel Blair's eyes burning into this back. He forced himself not to look over his shoulder at her.

"How's your new prison story going?" He asked to take his mind off of things.

"I'm still struggling with the love story, you know? Is it tormenting, all consuming? Or is it ironically sweet and romantic?"

Dan nodded, furrowing his brow at her question.

He opened his mouth to reply when Blair approached them from behind.

"Well aren't you two adorable," Blair said, clearly sarcastic. "Risa, would you mind if I share this dance with my husband?"

"Ex," Dan corrected her pointedly, "And that's not necessary."

"It's okay, Dan." Risa smiled calmly and took a step back.

He watched his girlfriend walk away as Blair found her way into his arms.

Dan rolled his eyes as he pulled her into an embrace.

"What are you doing, Blair?"

"How could you bring her here? To _my _party,"

He snaked his arm more tightly around her small waist and narrowed his eyes.

"Three things. One- if it's your job to plan parties, they're technically not _your _parties. Two- You know I need to keep an upstanding relationship with W. They've written features on both of my books, with a promised article about the movie. Three- Risa is my girlfriend. I'm allowed to bring her as a date."

Blair grabbed one of his lapels and yanked him down to her level.

"It makes me look stupid, to have you show up with some nineteen year old child."

Dan pressed his mouth to her ear, a gasp escaping her. "How do you think it made me look when you fucked Carter Baizen however many times during our separation?"

When he pulled away, Blair's gaze was locked with hers, her eyes hooded with desire. He quickly snapped back into focus.

"I need to get back to my girlfriend."

Blair ignored his comment. "We had some good memories here. Remember after your first book release party, when we stayed after everyone had left?"

Dan strained to remember anything past their wedding day.

"You laid me down on that bar, right over there…" she trailed off, gauging his reaction. "I can still remember the feeling of the cool marble under my back as your tongue licked my-"

"Fuck, Blair." Dan dropped his arms and stepped away from her, shaking his head. "Don't do that."

He ran a hand through his hair nervously, faking a smile when Risa made eye contact with him. It was time to leave.

"I'm happy, okay?" he glanced at Blair once more time, "Let me be."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **_Sorry I've been so bad about updating lately guys! I'll have some time over break and hopefully get some other chapters up, but in the mean time, at least I've updated this one! I was really happy with the response I got after posting it so I will definitely be continuing. Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed and or complimented my writing in some way. It means so much to me. For the person who asked about Blair's pregnancy/ the divorce, that will be explained in this chapter! _

_xoxo Gia_

A few days after his estranged ex-wife's party, he received a text informing him that W would like to write a piece about Risa Rogers as New York's newest talent and style icon. Dan immediately jumped to the conclusion that this was all some scheme on Blair's part to humiliate his new girlfriend, but the journalist checked out as credible so he passed the message along to Risa.

"Do you think I should do it?" A proud grin was plastered over her face as she browsed the fridge, settling on a vanilla yogurt.

Dan sat at his computer with Ella on his lap, babbling loudly. He looked up and smiled. "I think it's a great opportunity for you."

"Yeah?" She tilted her head to the side, "Honestly, I really wanted to do it. I just didn't know if it'd be too weird for you, working with your ex-wife."

"I don't think you'll even see her. She's really busy and doesn't involve herself in magazine pieces very much anymore."

Dan couldn't help but notice the look of disappointment that passed through Risa's eyes. He hated to think that his new girlfriend admired his ex-wife so much that she wanted to spend more time with her for any reason other than being forced against her will.

"You just," she started, "You said she used to edit your short stories. I was going to see if she could help with my new prison piece."

Risa had listened to the arguments. Back when they were still in "friend" territory, she had listened to his fights with Blair about where Ella would stay for holidays. She'd witnessed the broken promises and Blair manipulating him, using W as a buffer. She was at the New Years Eve party when Blair kissed one of her interns in front of more than fifty people and then snuck off to Lily's bedroom with him.

How Risa could want to form any sort of bond with Blair, professional or personal, Dan would never understand.

"I don't think she gets a lot of joy out of helping people with their writing anymore," he said and he felt like a dick for shooting down her idea again, but he believed it was for the best.

Dan was always doing what he thought was best.

He sometimes wondered if he'd made a mistake, asking Blair for a divorce. If she wasn't his soulmate, then he wasn't sure if soulmates existed. Was he selfish for leaving her? He asked himself that question frequently. He put his own happiness above Blair's, something he never thought he would do. But he genuinely thought that their separation would bring her happiness too.

After getting married, they had changed. Something had shifted within them. Maybe they had tried to grow up too fast. All he had known was that things weren't right between them, and he wasn't sure they could be fixed. Maybe that was what Blair held against him the most. He gave up.

"Sorry I brought it up," Risa shrugged and dropped her yogurt in the trash. Dan set Ella down on the ground and walked over to his girlfriend, letting his hands rest gently on her small waist.

He kissed along her jaw gently before meeting her eyes again. "Should I be offended that you'd rather have my ex-wife look over your story than me?"

"No," Risa huffed and pushed his chest away gently, "I just don't understand how you two can manage a professional relationship, but she and I can't."

Dan rolled his eyes. "Why don't we cross that bridge when we come to it?" He sighed deeply. "Besides, you're using the word "manage" very loosely."

They were always fighting. W had offered him a position writing opinion pieces and Blair waited weeks to tell him, hoping he wouldn't even find out about it. She didn't want to share W. Dan had refused the position for Blair's sake, if nothing else. Luckily his novels kept him busy enough that he didn't care about losing extra work.

Yet they were always being shoved together. Blair was always forced to consult Dan about his book releases and sometimes parties for his close friends. He would suggest eggshell table cloths and Blair would hiss that ivory would look better with the floral arrangements. Sometimes he wondered if she argued with him just for the sake of arguing.

"I'm just saying, she's a good connection to have," Risa pecked him on the lips before leaving the kitchen to take a shower. Dan was half tempted to join her if he didn't think she was pissed at him. Instead he walked to the living room and sat down on the carpet. Ella toddled over to him and shoved a toy giraffe in his face.

Dan laughed and took the toy in his hand. "Who is this?"

"Jaffy," she smiled, falling comfortably into the fold of his leg. "Jaffy, jaffy, jaffy."

He ran his fingers through her soft brown hair and laughed again. With the mess of their relationship, Dan was thankful for how beautiful and happy their daughter had grown to be. After the divorce she was the only thing good in his life.

"When mommy?" Her brown eyes looked up at him. She had her mother's eyes.

"Mommy will come soon."

Blair took Mondays off to spend the entire day with Ella since she was constantly overwhelmed with work the rest of the week, and Dan had her Friday-Sunday.

So when the door bell rang and he was greeted with Carter Baizen standing on his step, Dan was not pleased.

"Carter!" (Although Ella couldn't pronounce her r's, so it came out as _Cawtuh)_

"Hello beautiful," Carter lifted her into his arms and grinned his cheesy fucking grin that Dan hated ever since he showed up for tea when they were sixteen years old.

"No, no, no," Dan shook his head, letting Carter step into the house. "This was not the deal. _Blair _picks up Ella on Mondays, not her f-u-c-k buddy of the moment."

Carter snorted a laugh and Ella patted his face gently. "Hey, at least we f-u-c-k consistently. That shows commitment."

"If Blair's too busy to take care of her daughter today, that's fine. I can drop her off tomorrow."

"She had a last minute meeting and should be done in an hour. She just didn't want you and Risa to be stuck here if you had other things to do."

Dan couldn't help but feel a tinge of disappointment at how happy Ella was around Carter. Sure, she liked spending time with Risa, but that was because Risa was nice and fun to be around. He couldn't imagine the same was true for Carter, and yet, Ella seemed to think so.

"Fine," Dan started slipping Ella's shoes on and let out a deep sigh. "But call me as soon as you get to the penthouse. And no sugar, she's already had enough today."

"I got it."

Ella kissed Carter's cheek and clapped her hands. Dan flinched.

"Don't worry, Humphrey. She knows who her father is," Carter laughed and grabbed Ella's bag, making his way to the town car.

"Very funny, Baizen." He rolled his eyes and Carter put Ella in the car, sliding in next to her.

When Blair had initially gotten pregnant, it was during their period of separation. The three of them were uncertain if the baby was Dan's or Carter's. When the paternity test identified Dan as the father, he wanted to be disappointed, but he couldn't help but be thrilled about the idea of Blair having his baby. She was still the love of his life, after all.

As soon as Dan was back inside, he dialed Blair's office.

"Sorry, Mr. Humphrey. Ms. Waldorf is still in her meeting."

"Can you have her call me as soon as she's out?"

"After the meeting she's called the car around so she can go straight home to see her daughter," the assistant cleared her throat, "_Your _daughter."

Dan hung up.

_"It wasn't so much that he wanted to replace her. No, that wasn't it at all. Rather, he wanted to not want her because everything in his head was begging him to stay the fuck away while everything in his heart was just begging him to stay." (pg. 45)_

The next day was the interview and Dan had hesitantly agreed to escort Risa to the W offices for moral support. As soon as they arrived on the correct floor, people started flocking around and Dan noticed Blair at the back of the crowd, smirk on her face.

"Jenna Williamson, I'll be interviewing you," the peppy redhead stuck her hand out to Risa and Dan smiled as they both made their way to the conference room. He stood awkwardly for a few moments. For once, the hype was not centered around Dan and his writing. It may or may not have bothered him.

Blair approached him after everyone cleared out and smiled. "Keep me company. I need your opinion on the McQueen tribute party."

Dan rolled his eyes and followed her down the long hallway that he used to chase her down, hands sliding up her skirt before stumbling into her office. There was a time that he couldn't help but grab any part of her in his reach. They would barely make it into her office before her blouse was ripped open, her skirt hiked up around her waist. It bothered him that those urges still lingered as he followed her now.

"I'm sorry for sending Carter yesterday. That was terribly irresponsible," Blair looked at him apologetically and he found himself narrowing his eyes back at her. "What?" She asked innocently.

"You never apologize," he laughed. "About anything. Ever."

"Well then you should revel in this moment. It won't happen again."

Dan smiled. "Carter picking up Ella or you apologizing?"

"Both."

"Speaking of Carter, have you two considered having an actual relationship? I mean, it might make things easier to understand for our two year old daughter."

Blair laughed and shook her head, organizing a few files on her desk.

"I'm not going to have a relationship with Carter."

"Why not?" Dan asked.

She shrugged simply. "I'm still in love you with you,"

"What?" his breath caught in the back of his throat.

Blair pulled a book from her shelf, opening it carefully. Her eyes skimmed the pages until the finally found the passage she was searching for. Dan rolled his eyes when he realized she was looking at his first book, _Inside._

Blair cleared her throat and quoted the page, _"the feeling of loving her; limbs heavy, heart bruised, a dizziness that comes with the bubbles of champagne… or a kick to the spine. _Page seventy four."

"That was a long time ago, Blair," Dan sighed and part of him felt incredibly sad. "I don't feel that way anymore."

"Are you sure?"

He doesn't answer her.

Dan stood in the background as Randolph, the photographer snapped countless pictures of Risa posing in ridiculous outfits that Dan didn't think she'd ever wear.

There were some days he didn't think he'd ever understand the fashion world.

But she looked beautiful nonetheless and as a few interns whispered about her next to him, he couldn't help but feel a tad jealous. For once, the crowd at W wasn't pushing him for details about his next novel or begging him to join their writing staff. It may be selfish, but he had gotten used to the popularity his book and short stories had brought him. It's the same notoriety he never experienced in high school.

Risa stuck another pose and then waved to him excitedly and he grinned back, glancing over his shoulder as Blair's heels came clicking into the room.

They both watched the photoshoot in silence for a few minutes and Dan didn't think he'd ever fully understand his relationship with Blair. Even when they were dating, he was constantly stumbling over himself to clarify whether she was actually his girlfriend or just the girl he took to dinner and fucked when she let him.

"She looks good," Blair nodded in Risa's direction.

"She does."

"She's no Blair Waldorf," She said quietly, dryly.

Dan smiled, eyeing her carefully. "Well, there can only be one, after all."

There was something about Blair's close proximity that sent the hairs on his neck straight up. He desperately hoped there would be a day when he didn't feel the nervous, excited, gripping, sexual tension that always seemed to radiate when she was near. If they were still together, he would've taken her on the desk in her office by now.

_Thank god those days were past them._

"Stop staring at my lips, Humphrey," Blair snapped, somewhat amusedly. "People around here will get the wrong idea about us."

Dan regained focus and laughed nervously. "I think most of the people around here already _have _the wrong idea about us."

"They don't know us," Blair said softly.

Those words tortured Dan the entire way home.


End file.
